Just the Usual Acolyte Amentia
by ColdFusion180
Summary: The Acolytes cause more trouble for Magneto and make one wonder why he continues to keep them around.


**Just the Usual Acolyte Amentia**

"It's never happened before!" Pyro shouted. "You'd think it would have happened at least once these past few decades but it never has!"

"So what? That doesn't prove anything," Remy protested.

"Of course it does! Pyro insisted. "What other proof do you need?"

"Pyro that's like saying Bigfoot exists because no one has proved it otherwise," Remy rolled his eyes. "Though compared to this Bigfoot is at least believable."

"You're just jealous because you never thought of it first!" Pyro snapped.

"I am not! There is no way you could be right," Remy shot back.

"Why do you continue to ignore the obvious?" Pyro exclaimed. "All the evidence points to…wait a minute…you're in on it aren't you?"

"What?" Remy shouted.

"You are! Admit it!" Pyro challenged him. "They got to you! You've been working for them for years! How much did they pay you? What are they trying to hide? Answer me!"

"What is going here?" Piotr interrupted entering the kitchen. Remy was sitting at the counter while Pyro was standing in front of a large griddle. Several bowls and plates were next to him.

"Colossus! Thank goodness you're here!" Pyro shouted. "You're still one of us right? They haven't gotten to you too have they?"

"What are you talking about?" Piotr asked.

"Pyro for the last time! Just because you've never seen the Pillsbury Doughboy with his hat off doesn't mean there's a conspiracy behind it!" Remy shouted.

"Huh?" Piotr blinked in confusion.

"Of course there is!" Pyro insisted. "Think about it! Why haven't we ever seen the top of his head? What is under his hat? Is his hair black? Does he have a Mohawk? Or is he hiding a secret formula under there? It's a conspiracy I tell you!"

"Oh brother," Remy groaned and took a sip of coffee.

"I must admit I have never thought about it before," Piotr said taking a seat next to Remy.

"Why would you?" Remy asked.

"More like why wouldn't you," Pyro replied heatedly. "I'll tell you why. Because their commercials transmit subliminal messages to make you not think about it. Even their package designs are made to confuse you and alter your brain so you don't think about what they're trying to hide. Even though it's staring you right in the face!"

"Maybe he just needs his hat in order to be alive. Like that snowman with the silk hat," Piotr suggested.

"Hey, I never thought of that," Pyro scratched his head.

"Oh no! Not you too," Remy moaned and put a hand to his head.

"And what about his name?" Pyro continued. "Pop N' Fresh? It's gotta be some kind of code. Maybe it's the key to unlocking the secret formula he's hiding under his hat!"

"What kind of secret formula would he be hiding?" Piotr asked.

"For the love of mike will you please not answer that question!" Remy shouted. "Better yet, just stop talking about this whole stupid conversation while I still have some brain cells left!"

"Yeah, we'd better talk later Colossus," Pyro leaned over and whispered loudly to him. "We don't want Gambit reporting to his superiors that we're on to them."

"Wait a minute. I did not say I actually believe in any of this…" Piotr tried to protest.

"Don't worry mate. I got ya. Deniability and all that," Pyro winked at him. "I hear nothing. I think nothing. I know nothing."

"You got that right," Remy quipped.

"Just for that you don't get seconds," Pyro shot him a dirty look. He turned to Piotr. "Want something to eat mate?"

"Uh, okay," Piotr agreed. "Thank you."

"Hear ya go! Have a couple stacks of picklets!" Pyro grinned and plopped a plate filled with small sized pancakes in front of him. "You'll love 'em! I made a whole bunch of different kinds. Chocolate chip, chocolate peppermint, apple, apricot, strawberry, marshmallow…"

"Marshmallow?" Piotr blinked at the gooey stack in front of him.

"Cheese, sausage, onion," Pyro continued. "Olive, bacon, peanut butter, lemon pudding, mushroom, Jell-O, squid and my personal favorite, honey dipped gumdrops with barbeque sauce!"

"I see," Piotr looked over at Remy. "And you actually ate some of these?"

"Yeah," Remy nodded. "They're pretty good once you get used to looking at them. I especially like the tabasco pepper ones. They pack quite a bit of kick."

"If you say so," Piotr hesitantly cut into a stack and took a bite. He blinked in surprise. "Wow. These are good."

"Told ya," Pyro grinned.

"Alright you idiots!" Magneto stormed into the room holding a piece of paper. "You'd better start explaining this right now!"

"Well, it's a sheet of paper made from wood pulp and…" Pyro began.

"Not that you idiot!" Magneto snapped. "What's on the paper! This is a bill from your shopping trip to refurnish the recreation room. I never gave you permission to buy all this stuff!"

"Look, you said we could get a new TV, some chairs and a pool table," Remy defended.

"Yes, but I didn't say you could get a giant ice cream machine and nine ultra sized trampolines!" Magneto shouted. "Or that you could vertically attach them to the walls in there. And why did you place two of them on the ceiling?"

"Oh it's for a new phase of Acolyte Tag," Pyro said excitedly. "Ya see you take a couple golf clubs and some hula-hoops and…"

"Forget it. I don't wanna know," Magneto groaned. "But I do want to know how you charged all this to my account! My personal account which is now minus several thousand dollars! WELL?!"

"Uh, Sabertooth gave it to us?" Remy gulped nervously at the furious look on Magneto's face.

"Yeah! Sabes did it!" Pyro quickly agreed. "He broke into your room and got it and used it pay for all that stuff!"

"Oh really?" Magneto glared at him. "And where is Sabertooth anyway? I can't find him anywhere. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him for the past two days."

"Well, we had a slight disagreement while we were picking out trampolines," Remy tried to hide a smirk. "And after a very spirited discussion we decided Sabes should take a little trip and get away for a while."

"Yeah. He was bound for someplace good and tight," Pyro giggled.

"I see," Magneto gave him a dangerous look. "And how do you explain the three thousand dollar difference between the total on this bill and what's missing from my account?"

"Uh, gee. Sabes must have taken some cash without telling us," Remy whistled innocently. "Probably took it with him on his trip. Maybe he's planning on hitting Vegas or Atlantic City or…"

"Enough!" Magneto shouted. "I don't want to hear any more of your excuses! Though I must admit you may have a point there. I'll investigate this further when Sabertooth gets back." He left the room and muttered under his breath, "Hopefully by then I'll have managed to get rid of this latest headache."

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed. "What do you think he will do when he finds out you spent some of the money on stamps, rope and a steel reinforced box?"

"Hey, how else were we gonna mail Sabes to Uzbekistan?" Remy asked. "We all agreed he deserved it. At least we threw some food into the box for him."

"Yeah, half a gross of rotten eggs and bananas!" Pyro laughed. "I bet he'll pass out half way across Atlantic!"

"Or better yet, maybe they'll throw him out into the middle of the Atlantic," Remy smirked. "Then the big Furball would have to swim all the way back."

"I am surprised Magneto did not complain so much about our purchases," Piotr noted. "Especially the fifty four jet, waterfall Jacuzzi."

"That's because he took it for his own private use," Remy explained. "He even had me install it for him. At least until he realized I was connecting it so it drew water from the septic tank."

"Yeah, what a bloody jerk," Pyro shook his head. "He can't just take it away like that. We stole that Jacuzzi first fair and square!

"What?" Piotr blinked. "You told me you paid for it."

"Well, we planned to at first," Remy admitted. "Then the manager said some unkind things about mutants so Pyro set some of the saunas on fire and we snuck it out while he was screaming about his insurance policy."

"Oh no," Piotr groaned and put a hand to his head.

"Hey, come on. Cheer up," Remy said leaning back in his chair. "Except for the Jacuzzi we got everything we wanted."

"I suppose you are right," Piotr reluctantly agreed.

"You bet I'm right," Remy said confidently. "You gotta take whatever you can, whenever you can around here. Especially when Mags ends up paying for it. Besides, now that you know about it we can split the money Mags thinks we spent on the Jacuzzi."

"Yeah," Pyro agreed. "By the way, when do you think he'll realize you filled it with half a dozen different species of cactus?"

"**AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!**" Magneto's ear-splitting scream echoed throughout the base.

"I'd say right about now," Remy grinned happily. "I hope he didn't find the spy camera I hid in there. I really want to see the look on his face!"

"OW! OW! OW! YEEEOOOWWWWWW! THAT HURTS! YOU LUNATICS ARE GONNA SUFFER FOR THIS! SUFFER YOU HEAR ME! OW! OW! OW!"

"I hope there's a shot of him covered in cactus needles!" Pyro guffawed. "Especially with a whole bunch of 'em sticking out of his bum!"

"That would be very funny," Piotr chuckled and helped himself to more pancakes.

"It'd be ever better if all the needles caught on fire," Pyro laughed maniacally. "They're so flammable one little spark and they burn up just like that! Then we can all laugh and dance around him singing the fire song! _Oh,_ _the fire is burning, it's burning so bright, the flames are leaping and prancing! It's burning for you, it's burning for me, it's burning for all who are dancing!_"

Pyro sang and did a funny little dance. Then he noticed Remy and Piotr were staring at him like he'd lost his mind. "Pippi Longstocking sang that," Pyro said proudly. "_Pippi Longstocking_ is one of my favorite biographies."

"Huh?" Remy blinked.

"Yep, I've read every biography ever written about Pippi Longstocking," Pyro continued enthusiastically. "Did you know there's a ton of evidence suggesting she's a mutant?"

"Pyro, Pippi Longstocking is not a mutant," Remy groaned. "She's not even a real person. She and all those books about her are fiction."

"WHAT?!" Pyro shouted in shock. "What are you talking about?!"

"I mean she was made up! Fake! A fictitious character!" Remy threw up his hands. "You're a writer. You must know what that means."

"No, you're lying! It's not true!" Pyro protested shaking his head. "She's real! Real I tell you! Ask anyone!"

"Uh, actually she is not," Piotr spoke up. "I remember reading some of those stories to my sister when she was little. They were all categorized as fiction."

"WHAT?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! AN OUTRAGE!" Pyro howled and started throwing pancakes everywhere.

"Hey, calm down!" Remy shouted as he dodged a flying pancake.

"CALM DOWN?! HOW DO EXPECT ME TO CALM DOWN AFTER HEARING ONE OF MY ALL TIME HEROES IS A FAKE!" Pyro yelled at him. "I'VE BEEN TRICKED! I'VE BEEN LIED TO! I'VE BEEN MISLED! I'LL SUE!"

"Sue?" Piotr repeated. "Who would you sue for something like this?"

"I'LL FIND SOMEBODY!" Pyro declared running out of the kitchen. "THEY'RE GONNA PAY THROUGH THE NOSE AND GET IT SET ON FIRE!"

Remy and Piotr just sat in shock for a moment absorbing what they'd just witnessed. "So Pippi Longstocking is one of Pyro's heroes?" Piotr asked

"You know, that explains a lot," Remy noted.

"AAAHHHHHH! PREPARE TO BURN EVIL PROMOTER OF FALSE DREAMS!" Pyro's voice echoed from down the hallway. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"Oh no!" Piotr jumped out of his seat and ran off. "Pyro! Pyro do not set the hallway on fire again! Get away for that! No! No! PUT DOWN THE ROCKET LAUNCHER AND NAPALM!"

BOOM!

"COME OUT HERE YOU MANIACS!" Magneto was heard shouting in the distance. "OW! WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU YOU'll ALL BE TRACTION FOR A MONTH! OW! ONCE I GET THESE NEEDLES OUT OF MY…PYRO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"

WHOOOSSSHHHHHH!

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! OW! OW! OW!"

"Looks like Pyro will be able to sing and dance around Mags after all," Remy sighed and poured himself more coffee.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution, the Pillsbury Doughboy or Pippi Longstocking.**


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